What this is like

It's been three months since my lymph node surgery and longer since I stopped working, and you'd think I would find time heavy on my hands, or at least be catching up on all my reading and all those other things one says one will do some day if one ever "breaks a leg." How many times have I longed for an imposed period of time off, thinking I'd write and write and write, and read and read and read. In fact, I don't feel like reading or writing or even watching a movie much of the time; I just want to pace, though my back doesn't allow too much of that. Assuming it's the steroids that are making me feel so jumpy and distracted, I would have to say they're the worst part of chemo. And it's difficult to find a comfortable position in which to read or write. In any case it's only in the past couple of days that I've started to feel I don't have enough to do. Up till now, my days have been taken up with lots of medical appointments and visits from friends; insurance bureaucracy; blogging; trying to keep the house tidy; responding to emails and phone calls. Most days, aside from that, all I had the energy and pain-free moments for was washing some dishes and taking a bath.

Still, now that the back pain is somewhat lessened and the weather is nicer, I've managed to get some little things done around the house, always working in short stretches, and have had some walks by myself to do errands in the neighbourhood.

• I found a way to print out my addresses from the Address Book program on my Mac, a project I started a couple of years ago when I purchased a program called Roll Call and some perforated pages that would fit my Filofax -- and then I let them gather dust. I ended up having to export the text (which is why I needed Roll Call) and formatting it myself in Adobe InDesign, and then printing pages one at a time so I could make them double-sided. It was complicated; only somebody with time on her hands and my ability to waste time on small details would do something like that (yet why do I find it hard to read and watch TV?)
• Yesterday I found a position I could sit in that allowed me to knit for a few minutes at a time, so I started making dishcloths.
• I had a semi-all-nighter last night, and wrote thank-you cards till 3:30 a.m. It hurt. My handwriting has deteriorated and it takes a lot of concentration.
• For the first time this week I have managed to do some cooking.
• Yesterday, I hauled out my mindfulness-meditation tapes and managed to just be for an hour, which is an accomplishment in this ADHD-like state I'm experiencing.
  

Other weird things: during the period, for about 10 days post-injection, when my body is overwhelmed by this sweet chemical taste, leaving my mouth feeling as though I just rinsed with strong, sickening mouthwash, I also can't whistle! I'm not a bad whistler, actually; it's something I like to do with my dad. God knows what weird things the drugs do to the nerve endings in your mouth. At least I don't have any mouth sores this round.