I received the results of my head MRI yesterday. I don't have brain metastases exactly -- the lesions are coming out of my skull and growing in the lining between the skull and the brain. One of them is 2x2x2 cm, which seems large.
It was not nice news to hear, but I wasn't surprised. In some ways it was a relief to discover a cause that neatly explains the symptoms, namely the deafness in one ear, the pressure headache and the constant disequilibrium.
On Friday morning I'll be seeing a specialist in the brain metastasis clinic at Princess Margaret Hospital; apparently there are radiation treatments that can work, I don't know for how long. I suppose it depends on the size and position of the lesions. If they're treatable, I'll be going through more of what I experienced in January, including side effects that make me very ill. Please, let me get some respite for a while after that. If there is no response to treatment, and the lesions get bigger, I'll start getting seizures, nausea, worse vertigo, vomiting -- God knows what else; weird behaviour and vision l0ss, I suppose. It will not be pretty.
I asked the doctor if she was prepared to tell me how long I'll live, and she said it's still impossible to say. Will this be my last year? Quite possibly, she said, but not necessarily. Seems to me that the speed with which these metastases are appearing is not a very good portent, though.
But I'm not going to think about that today. I'm listening to Oliver Schroer's stark violin, and Oscar Peterson's ringing piano, and Don Ross and Michael Hedges on guitar, and doing bits of my taxes in between other things, including a walk around the corner using my walker to mail a letter, with my neighbour accompanying me. Felt like I'd gone eight miles, and my back was killing me. My feet are not working well, but I've got enough strength back in my legs to get around by dragging them a bit. Anyway, the fresh air and sunshine were a treat.
Let's find some Pollyanna moments:
- Daffodils my mom received (which she isn't enjoying at the moment because she's in Kitchener) are glowing in the kitchen.
- My brother Paul visited last night and emptied the commode pot and washed the dishes and wheeled me down to Gerrard Street to have dinner at my favourite Indian place, which I hadn't visited in months.
- I still have a good appetite, probably due to the steroids. The doctor put me on a much larger dose of steroids yesterday to help control the swelling and edema on my brain, and if I'm not imagining things, I think my head feels a little better today. And I have the characteristic red cheeks already. Not cleaning out the fridge at 3 a.m. yet, or anything like that.
- Applegrove Community Complex has sweetly given me a volunteer award because of the seniors' writing workshop I conducted last fall, to be presented at their AGM on March 31. Who knows if I'll be able to attend, but I'm honoured and surprised. The workshop was very satisfying for me, despite how ill I felt the whole eight weeks, and I think my students enjoyed it, too. Wish I could do it again, but without a voice or two working ears and legs, I guess that's out for now.
- I don't have any pain in my hips or legs, so I hope the cancer hasn't spread there yet.
- My lungs and heart are still working just fine (I know, this could prove to be a burden at the end).
- The sun is shining.
- This week I'm having lots of visitors checking in on me while my mom is home in Kitchener. They've been so helpful, and because there is a risk I'll have a seizure, it's good to have company (though I treasure my alone time in between, I must confess).
- I'm still alive, and I'm not nauseated and my gastro tract is functioning pretty well.
- I actually managed to eat a sandwich at lunch today -- and I enjoyed it! Thanks, Warren.
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