More good news

Well, after scaring the pants off me for the past month, try as she might my oncologist could find nothing sinister in my scans that wasn't already there two months ago. All that's in my skull is a brain, and my spine is unchanged: dotted with cancer. Nothing in my liver or lungs.

As for why I feel so lousy, she agrees it's a combination of radiation side effects, too much medication and depression. She prescribes a vacation. And will probably start permanent chemo in January. She is encouraged that nothing is progressing, so although it's still incurable Stage 4 cancer, we're not at the death-is-imminent phase just yet.

I know I should be doing cartwheels about that, but if this is what "death-is-not-imminent" feels like, I sometimes wish it were imminent after all, because feeling this ill is not the way I'd hoped to end my days. However, here's hoping I'll feel a little better soon. I'm pretty sure the radiation is working; I've stopped taking Tylenol and cut back on the codeine. But the sciatica is driving me nuts and making it hard to sleep, I feel nauseated and woozy and everything I put in my mouth tastes and feels like cardboard.

I asked Dr. Lee if I had heard her correctly when she suggested that cancer would take advantage of compromised bone. Yes, she said. So, I went on, my taking Arimidex for two years, which may have caused my spine to collapse, may therefore have made my cancer spread instead of impeding it. She looked a bit stricken and offered only that there are now trials ongoing that have patients alternate Tamoxifen and Arimidex.

Meanwhile, I asked, should I keep taking Tamoxifen? We went through the usual debate about how much estrogen-sensitivity my cancer has, while I pointed out for about the third time that she was going to do a pathology review of my tumours, which she finally managed to locate. Turns out the biopsy of my lower spine showed no estrogen-sensitivity, but the tumours they removed from my armpit in January (which the lab didn't bother to even test until I bugged Dr. Lee and she bugged the lab in October) were estrogen-positive. So I'm glad I pushed to go back on the Tamoxifen. I think.

Whine over.

Pollyanna moments:

• I can now swallow a mouthful of water without it coming out my nose.
• I can now wear tons of clothes I haven't been able to do up in years.